my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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