i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
