Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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