I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
