The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
