I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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