allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
