textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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