not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Im part way to drunk.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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