On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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