In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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