She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
