im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
