dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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