Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
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I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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