I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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