These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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