I am spending my child support on dildos
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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