i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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