Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
