"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
