Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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