My balls are so social today.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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