I can text with my tongue
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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