Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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