Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
