if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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