the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
