I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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