My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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