I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
