Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
