Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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