I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
