ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
