1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Barsexuality is the new black.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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