I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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