As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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