you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
