My underwear smells like fireworks.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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