I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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