Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
