rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
