Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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