Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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