You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
