I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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