just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
