did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
