I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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