Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My balls are so social today.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
