Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
