my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
