my mouth tastes like poor choices
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
