Yo dont text me then not text me
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize