I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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