Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
