Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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