What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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